


half the world away

by Phoebmonster



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Purgatory, and its Still upsetting, ava gets everything she wants, feelings of unreality, its kidfic maybe?, post 4x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 14:13:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18703942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebmonster/pseuds/Phoebmonster
Summary: What if in 4x12, instead of persuading Ava to give up sending her to the place of her anxieties, Neron gives her what she's always wanted?





	half the world away

**Author's Note:**

> this doesn't involve any conventional trigger warnings, but does involve the loss (not death) of children and feelings of unreality / hallucinations
> 
> if you want to cry your eyes out, read this when listening to the mamma mia 2 version of 'i've been waiting for you' or michael buble's 'forever now' (you're welcom)

Ava could smell burning.

Something was burning, and the light and sounds and smell of everything hit her all at once, it was like she was drowning or flying, she couldn't breathe -

"Mommy! Mommy, the pancakes are burning!" A little voice said from below her, and Ava looked down to see a little girl tugging on her robe. Her blonde hair was tied up in a messy ponytail and she was dressed in pink pyjamas. Ava snapped back to reality.

"Oh! I didn't notice -" She scooped the pancake onto the plate, where it sat, golden and perfect, no trace of burning. She poured more batter into the pan. 

"Sit up at the table, Willow, I'll bring your breakfast in a second."

Ava turned, and it was like the kitchen materialized around her - unfamiliar yet familiar, with the early morning sunshine streaming in through the window. She turned back to the pan with a small smile on her face.

"Is breakfast ready? Because I'm starving." 

Ava turned when she heard the sleepy voice and her smile widened when she saw Sara standing in the doorway, dressed in her slouchiest pyjamas, hand cradling her pregnant belly.

"Mama, we've got pancakes!" Willow said excitedly, and then they were all sat at the table, a pile of perfect pancakes in front of each of them. Ava blinked, but smiled when she saw Sara leaning over to pour syrup on their daughter's breakfast.

"Did you sleep well?" Ava asked gently, and Willow nodded, cheeks puffed out from the impressive amount of pancake she'd managed to fit in. "Slow down, Will, it's not going anywhere."

"I did not sleep well." Sara grumbled, cutting into her breakfast. "Baby kept me up half the night with his kicking."

"I'm sorry, my love." Ava said, the term of endearment rolling off her tongue easily. "But we'll get even less sleep when he's born."

Sara just hummed, moving to wipe the syrup off of their daughter's face. "We still need to decide on a name."

"He has a name! Cookie!" Willow said excitedly, squirming at the cloth was moved to her cheeks. 

Ava smiled. "Cookie's just a nickname, princess. He needs a real name." She said gently.

"We could make cookies this morning, if you want?" Sara asked, and Willow nodded her head enthusiastically. "You have to get dressed first though."

Willow didn't reply, just slid off the chair and ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, out of the kitchen and up the stairs. 

"How does she have that much energy?" Sara hummed as she started to take her dish to the sink, but Ava stopped her and took the plate instead. "I'm not an invalid, Aves." She said, the teasing evident form her tone.

"You're eight months pregnant, you need rest." Ava said as she set their dishes down. When she turned, Sara was smiling up at her.

"You're so thoughtful. I love you."

"I love you too." Ava said as she bent down to kiss her. She tasted of syrup and something strange - dark and powdery, like soot or charcoal - Ava blinked. Everything was back to normal.

Willow was suddenly in front of them, jeans on, t-shirt back to front and hair still in its unruly ponytail. "Ready!" She squealed excitedly.

"Nope, we need to brush your hair and clean your teeth." Sara said, leading her back up the stairs. "Mommy can get the ingredients out, right?"

Ava just nodded, moving to open the fridge like she'd done a thousand times before, but stopped. The door was covered in letter magnets, chunky and brightly coloured, and were holding up some rather crude drawings. One was a painting, just splashes of colour, with 'Willow Lance, Aged 4' written neatly across the bottom. A few photos were stuck on too - one of them all at the beach, one of Sara and Willow at Christmas, another was a strip of sonogram photos. Ava smiled gently, touching the edge of the paper.

"Come on Mommy!" She turned, and her wife and daughter were there, aprons on, smiling widely. "Let’s make cookies!"

The cookies were seemingly done in no time at all, and Ava grinned as she watched Willow press her hands into the dough as Sara worked to roll it into balls.

"Can I eat it, Mommy? Please?" She asked, doing her best pouty face. Ava pulled a bit from the lump and handed it to her.

"No more than that, princess, you'll feel sick."

Willow pulled some out as well, holding it out to Sara. "Mama want some?"

"Oh, I can't, it's got raw egg in. It's not good for the baby." Sara said, slightly ruefully and sighed. "I miss it though. Your Mommy's cookies are the best."

"I thought you missed whiskey the most." Ava said absentmindedly as she took the balls of dough and rolled them in a mixture of sugar and cinnamon. 

"Whiskey?" Sara snorted. "No way, I can't handle that. Wine, definitely." 

Ava blinked. How did she forget that? "Right, yeah, of course." She muttered, but Sara didn't seem to notice. 

"I think these are ready for the oven, don't you?"

The cookies were done.

Ava was holding a tupperware tub, and the cookies were in it.

She was standing in the kitchen, the cookies in her hand, but she hadn’t even put them in the oven yet, and the world was melting around her –

“Mommy, can we go to the park?”

Willow was there, and Ava nodded.

“Of course. Have you got your trainers?

///

It was wonderfully sunny at the park, and Ava moved to drape her arm around Sara as they sat on the bench and watched their daughter bolt around the play equipment, ducking out the way of the other children. Sara moved her arm to link their fingers. 

Ava lifted her hand, just briefly, to admire her rings – the ruby engagement ring, and her diamond wedding ring, which glittered in the light. They were beautiful.

“What are you thinking about, Mrs Lance?” Sara said, twisting to face her. 

“How happy I am that I married you.” Ava said, absent-mindedly, watching as their daughter slid down the slide. Sara snorted and elbowed her, but Ava just turned to press a kiss   
to the top of her head. “I mean it. I’m so lucky.”

“You’re too cute.” Sara said quietly, moving closer into her side. “Oh, he’s kicking.”

Ava moved her hand down, and he was. 

“I think he’s telling us we need to pick a name.” Sara said. “What about – Joseph. Michael. Dustin. John -”

“Not John.” Ava said quickly. Sara snorted again.

“What’ve you got against John?”

Ava blinked. The sun was suddenly blinding. “Uh – I – I don’t know. I just don’t like it.”

Sara would have replied, but the words turned into a squeak of surprise when they saw Willow fall from the monkey bars, landing on her knees. There was a moment of horrible   
silence before she wailed, and Ava was up and by her side in an instant.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

It didn’t help, Willow just wailed harder, so Ava put her arms around her and rubbed her back.

“It’s just your knees, darling. You’re gonna be fine.” She said quietly, lifting Willow up and settling her on her hip, rubbing the tears from her cheek. “You just had a shock,   
princess. You’re okay.”

Willow sniffed. “Mommy, it hurts.”

“Would ice-cream help, little one?”

The little girl appeared to consider it, then nodded. “Maybe.” She said quietly.

She turned, and Sara was there, holding her daughter’s hand. “Are we gonna have to cut it off?” She said, mock seriously, and Willow giggled.

“No, Mama, I’m okay.”

“Let’s go get ice-cream.” Ava said reassuringly, and they began to walk towards the little kiosk at the edge of the park.

As they walked through, Ava looked at the other children running around. The more she looked the less real they seemed, like cascading light, but before she could think about it, an ice-cream was being pressed into her hand. Willow already had hers, with half it around her cheeks, as well as on both her own shirt and Ava’s.

“Oh, Will - I’m all sticky now.” Ava moaned but couldn’t keep her face mad when Sara was giggling beside her.

///

They were home, and it was bedtime.

“I want another story.” Willow said with a yawn, moving to settle herself closer into Ava’s side. Ava smiled and started to run her hand through her daughter’s hair, using her free hand to draw the duvet closer over them. She loved Willow’s room, with its pink walls, rose fairy-lights and the beautiful doll’s house in the corner. “Please, Mommy?”

“One more story.” Ava said quietly, pulling a book from the bedside table. “The Princess and the Knight.” She started, flicking it open. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess, who was trapped in a tall tall tower.” She turned the page, keeping her voice steady. “Her only friend was her chameleon, Gary.”

Ava stopped. She knew that name from somewhere.

“Keep reading.” Willow mumbled, nearly asleep, and Ava snorted with laughter.

“She liked to paint, make cookies and water her plants. Then, one day, a handsome knight rode by the tower.” She turned the page. “Ava, Ava, this isn’t real, you need to get out.”

Ava blinked. That wasn’t the story. She turned the page again.

“The princess wanted to join the knight, but the tower had no window or door. Ava, please, look around you, this isn’t real.”

She snapped the book shut, dropping it to the floor. Willow was asleep, and Ava moved to lay her down on the pillow, pulling the duvet up around her. She bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. It felt real, it had to be real, and she moved to switch the lights off, leaving the door open a crack, because her daughter was scared of the dark. Her favourite cuddly toy, a soft mouse named Jessie was tucked under the covers with her. Ava smiled. Willow couldn’t sleep without it.

She crept across the corridor into their bedroom, dropping herself onto the bed, pulling her pyjamas out from under her pillow and getting undressed. 

“Did she go down okay?” Sara asked, sticking her head out from the adjoining bathroom, a toothbrush hanging from her mouth.

“Yeah, she was fine.” Ava hummed.

Sara came through from the bathroom, settling herself in the bed, and Ava finished her night-time routine, revelling in the silence. She flicked off the last of the lamps and crawled into bed beside her wife, and Sara placed her head on her chest.

“I liked today.” She said quietly. “I’m gonna miss this when she starts school.”

Ava hummed in agreement, feeling drowsy and warm. She focused on rubbing Sara’s back.

“She’s gonna do so well at school though. She’s so smart.” Ava said quietly.

“She gets that from you.” Sara mumbled, face mostly hidden within Ava’s shirt.

Something was nagging at her, something at the edge of her mind, as Ava stared up at the ceiling. The house was unnaturally quiet. No sound of cars from the road outside, no creaks or clanks of the heating system, only her own breathing.

“I love you.” Ava said quietly, but Sara was asleep.

///

She blinked, and it was morning.

“Oh, you got dressed quickly!” Ava said, bending down to help her daughter zip up her hoodie. “Are you ready for the zoo?” Willow nodded enthusiastically, but before she could say anything, Sara appeared at the top of the stairs, bent in half and panting.

“Sara?” Ava asked.

“It – hurts, Aves, I think he’s coming.” Sara said, voice strained, and Ava’s heart dropped.

“It’s too soon.” She whispered, her voice drowned out by a pained yell from Sara. “Okay – Will, you’re going to stay with Aunty Laurel, we’ve got to go to the hospital.”

As soon as she said it, the world shifted around them, and they were in a hospital room. Ava blinked. What had happened? Where was Willow? 

It didn’t matter. Sara was in the bed, face pale and sweaty, dressed in a hospital gown, panting heavily with tears running down her cheeks. Ava was by her side in three strides, reaching down to hold her hand as the other reached up to push the hair back from her sticky forehead. She made what she hoped were comforting noises, but Sara just kept crying.

“You’re doing so good, baby.” Ava muttered, bending forward to press a kiss to her forehead. “You’re a badass, you got this.”

Sara snorted, but her laughter was cut off by another contraction.

“I mean it. You’ve been through so much. Hell, you survived two tours with the League of Assassins.”

“What are you talking about?” Sara said, voice high and scared. “Aves, if you’re joking I’m really not in the mood.”

Ava blinked, trying to sort through the avalanche of memories in her head.

“You did. You’re the Captain of the Waverider. I’m the Director of the Time Bureau and -”

She was cut off when Sara screamed again, then –

She was holding her son.

The tiny baby, wrapped up in a blue blanket, was nestled in her arms. Ava felt the tears run down her cheeks as she looked at his perfect nose, pink lips and chubby cheeks. His eyes were open and were the exact same shade of blue as Sara’s. He had a little hair, just blonde fluff on the top of his head.

“He’s perfect.” She whispered, looking over as a sleepy Sara in the bed. “You did so well. I love you so much.” Sara just smiled back at her. Ava couldn’t help but just look between them.

“I think I know his name.” Ava said quietly. “Dylan. Dylan Lance.”

“I love it.” Sara said, still sleepy, and Ava just basked in the glow of the soft morning. Dylan was snuffling, and Ava reached up to stroke his cheek.

“I wish it was real.” Ava whispered.

“What?” As she turned to Sara’s voice, her arms were suddenly empty, the blanket fluttering to the floor. “Where is he?” Sara’s voice was pure panic, and she tried to get up, but Ava walked over and gently pushed her back on the bed, sitting down on the thin mattress and scratchy hospital sheets. She wiped the tears from her wife’s cheeks.

“I don’t think this is the real world.” Ava said quietly.

“Aves, I don’t know what you mean -”

“How did we meet?” 

Sara looked confused, but her voice was steady when she answered. “I was working in that coffee shop, you came in every-day. It took you a month to ask me out.”

“Yeah, I remember it to. I remember everything with you.” Ava said, and she did - their first date, when she proposed, their wedding day, the day Willow was born, everything. “But – there’s nothing around that.”

“Aves – please, I don’t -”

“Name one of your grandparents.” Ava said. “Name – name one of your co-workers. Do you have a job? Do you have any memories of anything that isn’t our family?”

Sara opened her mouth, then shut it. When she turned back to Ava, she was crying. “I don’t understand.”

“Look around – this isn’t even a real hospital.” She gestured to the equipment, which didn’t even appear to be on or plugged in. “And I haven’t seen a single doctor or nurse this whole time. This isn’t real.”

“But – we’re real.” Sara said, her voice chocked. “I’m real, right?”

“I think so.” Ava said quietly, squeezing her hand. “But I don’t think I can stay here.”

“Why not?” Sara sounded desperate now, sitting up to cradle Ava’s face. “Why can’t you stay? I’m here, we have a family. I love you. Please, Aves -”

“I’m sorry.” Ava whispered. “But you’re not my Sara.”

Then the world ended.

///

There was nothing.

Scratch that, there was one thing, nestled in the great white forever. A doll’s house - four storeys high, white with a grey roof. Ava walked round so she could see the inside, where rooms were laid out neatly. Next to the house were model figures, no bigger than her pinky.

She sat down, cross legged, and inspected them. One was clearly her, a little model wearing a blue suit. One must be Sara, then Willow and Dylan. She set the children down in the living room, positioning the tiny model of her son in a crib, Willow on the couch. She put Sara in the bedroom, standing by the tiny model wardrobe and bed. She held the tiny Ava between her thumb and forefinger.

"You can't put that in there." 

Ava whipped round when she heard the voice, soft and sad, and she nearly cried. "Sara! Sara, it's really you?" She stood up, the figure discarded, and took three strides to reach her. 

"It's really me." Sara said quietly. She looked exhausted. "Neron had you - then we came to rescue you, but he trapped you in this dream, so I came to take you home."

"Oh." Ava said quietly. "This is a dream?"

"John said - it's kinda like your purgatory. Neron wanted you to choose to stay willingly so he could use your body as a demon vessel." Sara murmured, then reached down to hold her hand. "How do we get out of here?"

"I - I don't know -" Ava said, looking around, but there was still only the wide, white emptiness. "Are you sure this was my purgatory?"

"What else could it be?" Sara was looking up at her now, one eyebrow raised.

"I thought - I thought maybe this was our future." Ava said quietly, and immediately knew it was the wrong thing to say when Sara took a step back.

"What?"

Ava shrugged, twisting round to look at the dollhouse again, and her little figure, lying face down outside.

"So, this is what you want?" Sara said, running a hand through her hair. "Us, a house in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence? Is that what you want from me?"

"No - Sara - it's not -" Ava took a deep breath. "It isn't just about the house, or children - it's about normality. In this reality - there's no time travel, no one's a superhero. It's just us."

"You said you didn't care about me being normal." 

"That was - before. Before 2213." Tears were in her eyes now and Ava desperately wanted to cry, but she knew she needed to say this. "I didn't want normal before, because I thought we could just work through the craziness, but this is different. I'm a clone - I don't know if I'll age like a human, or if I can have children - I don't even have a family, I've only been alive in this body for eight months - so forgive me for wanting something normal." She finished quietly.

Sara stepped forward, running her hand down her arm. "I can't give you normal, Aves. I have my own past and my life now. I – I can't give you what you need." Her voice was small, quiet and far too broken.

Ava looked at the woman in front of her. Her hair was a little messy, she looked like she hadn't slept in a week and she was twisting the rings on her fingers, a sure sign she was nervous. Sara looked up, and when their eyes met Ava felt like she could breathe at last. She smiled softly.

"No - this isn't what I want, not really. This is what I want if I let myself focus on all my fears." Ava walked forward, never breaking eye contact. "I want you, and to live as me. This life, it's a fantasy. I'd rather live a reality that's not always perfect with you than a dream that's fake."

Sara smiled, as bright and brilliant as the sun. "You mean that?"

"Yeah, Sara, of course. I love you. I love you for who you are." Ava was cut off when Sara stood on her tiptoes to cradle her face and kiss her soundly.

The world began to shift, turning and flickering, and Ava could see everything - images and small moments: Willow and Dylan meeting for the first time, their family at the park, Willow's first day of school, Sara beaming at her -

She shut her eyes and buried her head into Sara's shoulder, holding on for dear life as the shaking got faster and faster -

With a gasp of air and a jolt, Ava sat bolt upright to find Sara already there, her Sara, looking down at her with kind eyes and cheeks wet with tears. Ava couldn't say anything, so she sat up, gathered Sara in her arms and sobbed.

///

They lay in bed that night - Sara's bed, Ava couldn't face going back to her trashed apartment just yet. She felt a little more human again, now that Gideon had given her some nutrients and fluids, as well as some ibuprofen to dull the pain of her cuts and bruises. She'd also had a shower and was now in her favourite pyjamas with Sara curled up against her. Mentally and physically, she was exhausted. The memories from the dream world were still there, mixing with her false memories, implanted by Rip, and her real memories, and it was so big it made Ava’s head hurt. She knew the children weren’t real, but it didn’t stop her from missing them all the same.

"You okay?" Sara said quietly.

"I’m not sure." Ava murmured, not willing to break the silence their darkened bedroom had brought. "I will be, though. It feels like a dream now."

"We should talk, sometime. About what happened. About the future." Sara's voice was laced with nerves, and Ava just moved to wrap her arm around her more securely.

"Yeah. Tomorrow though. We can do it tomorrow." Ava said with a yawn.

Sara shifted underneath her, moving to press a kiss to the edge of her jaw. "Okay."

When Ava was almost asleep, she felt a hand intertwine with her own. "I love you, baby." Sara whispered. "Thank you for coming home to me."

"Always." She mumbled sleepily.

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy that ep really put ava through the ringer,, wouldn't it be a shame,, if i just rewrote it to be Even More Angsty. wow. amazing. truly Unique (i promise i do actually like ava lol)
> 
> if the style of this feels familiar, i based Ava’s purgatory off of donna’s experience in the doctor who episodes 'silence in the library / forest of the dead'. if that ep didn’t Majorly freak you out as a kid ur lying!!
> 
> kudos and comments bring good karma!! or come yell about this with me on tumblr theangelwaverly (i have So many thoughts that went into this you would not Believe)


End file.
